Deal Breakers

deal breakers

This post was inspired by a tweet I read a while back about a guy who couldn’t stand one of his wife’s habits. I can’t quite remember what the actual issue was but he put it in such a funny way that he had even considered divorce for this pet peeve. I couldn’t get past his pettiness. I was thoroughly tickled but then again aren’t we all petty? So I decided to compile a list with the help of KOT. Everyone has their preferences. You might disagree with some of them but hey, don’t shoot the messenger. Here we go:

  1. Leaving drops of pee on the toilet seat and floor
  2. Squeezing toothpaste in the middle of the tube
  3. Likes pineapples on pizza
    pineapple on pizza
  4. Hates avocados
    avocados
  5. Guys of “Wacha nipike halafu nikuje'”
  6. Guys who can’t handle their alcohol (get it together man)
  7. Guys with micro aggressions who take out their insecurities on other people
  8. Guys who invite themselves to your house asking, “Unanipikia lini?”(How about on the 13th of Never?)
  9. People who tell a lot of sob stories
  10. People who talk loudly and endlessly at other people
  11. “I like chics with dreadlocks” (that’s a lot of women, cabrón)
  12. Chronic lateness, wasting everybody’s time. Zero concept of time management.
  13. Making dates and never honouring them, sending half-assed apologies eons later.
  14. Using wrong glasses for drinks
  15. Using Calibri (pettiest I’ve seen)
  16. Crying after sex
  17. People who hate animated movies
  18. Guys who are easily emasculated
  19. People who cannot use proper grammar, construct proper sentences or use punctuation
    grammar
  20. Clinginess
  21. Using bathroom sandals outside the house
  22. Body odour
  23. Lying
  24. Too opinionated about Jubilee, NASA and world peace
  25. Snoring
  26. Giving more priority to githeri over bread in the fridge
  27. Posting stuff on social media especially about relationships for attention
  28. Blowing nose in the sink or shower
    photo532579621652586880
  29. Guys wearing skinny jeans
  30. Wearing crocs in public
  31. “Mimi hutumia nduthi lakini leo nataka unilipie Uber”
  32. If she’s a man
  33. She gotta have teeth
  34. If he has a big bum, “Hatuwezi dondosa sisi sote”
  35. Emotional and illogical arguments
  36. If your friends are hoes
  37. For the guy: any girl I’m cleaner or neater than
  38. A passive aggressive man
  39. Not returning things where you found them
  40. “People who say Chumvi instead of Chumbi, what’s wrong with them?” (don’t even ask)
  41. “Uncut” men
  42. People who don’t know how to use possessive adjectives
  43. Sneezing and not saying “askies” (which means excuse me in Afrikaans)
  44. Chewing loudly, or with a open mouth
  45. Halitosis
  46. If you listen to riddimz
  47. Weaves
  48. Nail biting
  49. Living more than 20 minutes away (This isn’t practical in Nairobi, how  far away does your girlfriend live?)
  50. Eating rice without a spoon (oooookaaaay)
  51. People who don’t like pets
  52. Glasses, “I’m blind myself, can’t be having genetically predisposed Ray Charles running round, gotta think of the kids”
  53. People who hate Game of Thrones
  54. Calling cartoons and comics childish
  55. A guy that can’t cook
  56. Shy people (wait, what?)
  57. People who drag their feet while walking
  58. Miraa chewers
  59. People with zero sense of humor
  60. Bad hygiene-bad smell, dirty shoes and clothes, smoker, unkempt hair, unmoisturized body.
  61. People who make runny eggs. Or drink raw eggs.
  62. Roughly cutting tissue paper
  63. Adding sugar to cereal. (But, but, but)
  64. When someone calls to say goodnight when I am obviously having a great night. How daring.
  65. Girls who says “Nibuy-ie”quite often
  66. Long history of sponsors
  67. Too many tattoos
  68. Too much make up and drawn eyebrows
  69. Wearing official shoes with denim pants.
  70. Selfish, self centred people
  71. Guys with long nails
  72. Returning empty cartons and bottles to the fridge (oh and covering empty pots and pans after serving the last piece of meal)
  73. Leaving wet towels on bed or floor
  74. Changing radio station in my car
  75. Not human (are you kidding me?)
  76. Girls who don’t like me
  77. Sagging pants
  78. Spitting
  79. Leaving the toilet seat up
  80. Not washing hands after peeing, again, hygiene
  81. Sassy
  82. Craziness (what is this craziness y’all speak of. Maybe I just have anxiety, or it’s my personality)
  83. Doesn’t give head
  84. “Hae, Wau, Poaz”texters
  85. Men who forget leg day (Issa no from me, dawg)leg day
  86. Those pals who refuse to order at the cafê only to nibble on half your meal
  87. Picking the ear with car-keys
  88. She wears kitten heels
  89. Mixing rice with milk and calling it a meal
  90. She can’t cook chapati
  91. Patriarchal attitude
  92. He’s skinny
  93. He has a weird or old name

Did I leave anything out? Leave a comment below 😉

What You Have Become

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At our first meet, we toy with this idea that you are a mistake. Or rather, that is what you will turn into in the future. It is funny, now. I have no care in the world. I want to be reckless. I want to, live a little. I convince myself that life is all about making mistakes. People who do not make mistakes seldom learn anything. And so I think, why stop here? Let’s take it farther because we are YOUNG! We have our whole lives ahead of us.

Carefree woman
Carefree woman

You will keep saying “I’m ready for this. I think I am definitely ready for another one.” I won’t know that this other one actually meant a simultaneous other one, not preceding. You will echo this just enough times until you plant it in my head, it will flourish! Everything will happen your way, because I will finally believe you. In you. I will trust you so much that I’ll even take this and make it mine too, and I’ll ask whether you actually want to try this with me, forgetting that it was you who brought this up in the first place. That’s just about how deep I’ll have fallen for your lies. It will thrill you so much that you will say it feels surreal.

Betrayal
Betrayal

You lied, and even though I could look I decided not to see. I just shut my eyes. As much as I hated your lies I was busy feeling other things. Things that clouded my judgement, and logic. How I hate to be illogical.

So I decide to never mention what I feel. What I really feel. Where is the sense in that? I still feel it, deeper, with every lie. The more I fight it, the more it lingers on, because what you resist persists. And I hate myself for this persistence. Because of who you are now. Who you will ever be. Not forgotten. A bad memory. Congratulations;

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Coping with a Breakup as an Anxious and Depressive Person

tears

Let me start by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with suffering from depression, or anxiety. Just because you are a little special, special because your brain is more active than “normal” guys (whoever they are. Normal is overrated). When you have a mood or a personality disorder, dealing with disappointments and rejection could be really challenging, at first, or all the time.

Researchers say emotional pain is worse and lasts longer than physical pain. Many depressed people are also highly sensitive. So when someone betrays you, the kind of pain you feel is intensely magnified like this tiny hurt is placed under an electron microscope. The pain you feel is worse than losing both limbs in an explosion, then getting your nails pulled out, one after another using a pliers. If you feel or have ever felt like this, you are not alone.

Here are some of the ways you can get through it.

  1. Do all the freaky batshit crazy stuff that comes to your very imaginative head. Or at least some. You don’t want to do something just because you want to end up on National Television, or on the radio. Or worse still, on the front page of the dailies. Do it because you are doing it for YOU, for your sanity, whatever that is. This small ritual will help you feel a little better afterwards. I cannot promise you it will be 100% effective, but it will be the beginning of a healing process.
  2. Talk to people. They say a problem half shared is half solved right? Of course your pals, therapists or audience will not give you solutions but talking about what you’re going through will definitely help. So talk to a friend, a stranger, a wall, your dog (cats aren’t good listeners).
  3. Journal. Writing down helps a whole lot. This will help you let out things you didn’t even know you felt or thought. You will be amazed about the VOICE a pen and paper will give you. This is also for things you don’t want to say out loud, but you still want to air. Make it dramatic, draw what you feel if that’s the best way you can express yourself. Write down your moods every single day. Your highs and lows. Try figure out what sets certain feelings off. Writing could be hard at first but you will notice that it makes you feel better with time. Or at least you will know what your progress is.writing
  4. EXERCISE! Work out your aggression. Listen to pumped up music while you are at it! Make sure you sweat more than three pigs sitting in a steam bath. This will help calm your nerves, promise. It will help keep anxiety on the low and you will get some sleep at night. 🙂
  5. Get a new hobby. Or just do something you like to do and make sure you have fun while you are at it. This will help keep your individuality and you will remember to love yourself again. Staying inactive will unearth thoughts that will make you want to buy amnesia at a drug store, so you don’t remember whatever happened. Go out, get some sunshine. If you like being indoors, get a pet. When you take care of it, you will be taking care of yourself too because you will have to get up on both feet. Wallowing in bed or staying in a horizontal position is the best way to plunge right back into depression.
  6. Don’t ignore your emotions. Cry if you want to, you are not a log of wood. Buy a screaming box (I can’t tell you where to get one of those though). Step into your closet and scream your lungs out. Bottling up your emotions will only result in more mental breakdown.2370375218_36a889afe2_z
  7. Get professional help. It’s not mandatory but it is important to know when you might need it. Do not hurt yourself.

Most of all, just remember that when you find yourself in this kind of situation, it is not the end of the world. Treat it like a mental project and make sure to pass the test. Remember you have a higher purpose in life. You are not a victim. Remember that even if you have hit rock bottom, the best things about it is that you cannot possibly go any lower. The only other movement is upwards, and your spirits will get higher and it will be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, then it’s not the end;